Genealogy

 

I haven’t stopped dreaming, and for that I’m grateful? Theoretically, there’s a chance I’m not even halfway through life, so technically there’s still time to what? Become an astronaut? Make the roster of a professional sports ball team? Learn to piano? I am never going to learn how to play the piano. More realistically, I would very much like to identify a lower hanging fruit of personal accomplishment and get 75% of the way there.

Today, since it is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and I am a former AmeriCorps member and it is my birthday I thought I would volunteer with one of my favorite local environmental charities, so I woke up and drove an hour and promptly could not find the location. So I sat in my car and realized I will never realize my dream of making the world a better place because of poor spatial awareness.

I don’t think spatial awareness is one of the human abilities that gets better with age. Is there any human ability that gets better with age? Please don’t say wisdom. God, do not read the news and say wisdom.

I was looking for a transition to the next part of this screed and may have lucked out. WISDOM is part of the name of a pet DNA test (stay with me), WISDOM PANEL, and recently we procured an abandoned mutt and ordered a DNA test (through WISDOM PANEL’S chief competitor, EMBARK – cute, right? Embark contains a clever pun but it also implies a journey of self-discovery. IT COULD ALSO WORK WITH PLANTS!)? Long story short, we received the results, and our happy little poochie is, coincidentally, a POOdle CHIhuaha. Get it? POOCHI? But also has some other parentage, Pomeranian, Miniature Pinscher, something they call SUPERMUTT.

But that’s not what I was transitioning to.

Last month, I received an email from someone who basically said, “Hey, speaking of DNA, I just took a DNA test and I think I might be your sister.”

I finally understand test anxiety!

Look, I have tried to avoid blaming my faults on genetic inferiority, but the honest to god’s truth is that 50% of my DNA is broken. I was aware that my dad had fathered three other girls, one of whom was murdered and the other two are incarcerated for meth, but after he died some 27 years ago, I thought this would be the end of the story.

I wound up having a lengthy exchange with this person. She is a teacher, and has been married for 25 years and has a lovely family. And recently, her mother has been suffering from dementia and started more openly discussing her past. Part of that past was being sexually assaulted by my father, which resulted in a pregnancy.

I was surprised by how apologetic I felt. Like, I knew he was a sonofabitch, and even though I was 6 years old, I feel like I should have warned somebody. But I was also struck with how wonderful and amazing this person seems to be (though, to be honest, even I seem like a good guy if all you ever see is what I share online, and we all know that’s a steaming pile of).

She shared some photos and she looks so much like my grandmother I sat at my desk in silent awe. I hardly know what to make of us or this world, we are an endless, irrational series of backwards progress.