It's getting OLDER

There is supposedly this fascinating psychological trick whereby you can hand someone something in the middle of a conversation, anything at all, and they'll just take it without question and I am desperate now to carry around with me little cards that say:

Part 2

It's getting harder to remember the past. There was a time when I prided myself in remembrance, and there is certainly an element of survivalism - you touch the hot stove. it burns. don't touch it again. But maybe I've attained survival. This is all meaningless bonus time. Why remember anything. More to the point, why remember anything painful. Lessons are for the living.

In 1995, I was newly married (I was 22!!!) and suddenly overwhelmed with existential dread. I had been on my own the moment I graduated high school, so had no health insurance, but was convinced I was dying, to a paralyzing degree. I would return home from a drive and lay helpless in Alex's lap. Through the college medical clinic, I was able to see some kind of medical professional, who would take my vitals and give me my regular diagnosis - SIGNS LOOK GOOD.

Not long after, the feeling of impending doom would return, and Alex would implore me to see a doctor and this cycle continued until one day I said to my body YOU'RE WRONG.

And honest to god that is when my health issues went away 30 years ago.

If that only worked for all my other non-health issues. Fuck off guilt! Fuck off self-doubt! How you doin' substance abuse?

Part 3

It's still hard, with Palina gone. I put her bell in my car, and accidentally bump it with my hand from time to time. The family left for Montana for a vacation, but I had to stay behind, and the surviving dog and our cat have been acting weird (not presidential weird mind you) and when I am alone I enter this bizarre deprivation state. I turn off all the lights and heat pump and use very little water and produce almost no non-recyclable refuse and the animals can tell something is off, they drink a ton of water for some reason, like what are they preparing for? Drought?

But it has been a good summer. I bought a greenhouse and dove back into gardening, and even though I had to stop running, I bought these little things:

And have been steadily cycling for the past few months. We spent a week on the Kalama/Columbia Rivers, and I have been playing poker and golf like there isn't a problem in the world. 

I know something is missing, that's not unusual. That's the human state. I understand that I'm supposed to feel loss and absence even when my calendar is booked solid. I'm not any closer to an answer or a plan.

Pt 4

Still traveling quite a bit. I was thinking about visiting all the places of my youth. Next month, I'll be headed to Memphis for a week, where I was born. The next month, I'll be in Texas, where I spent the better part of my youth. I need to get back to New York and Missouri and South Carolina, and maybe even Kansas. I'm sure those places are all still there. Or maybe I'm wrong.