Today I woke at 7 (on a Saturday goddamit) and drove my daughter's truck to Issaquah for snow tires, but the actual store was in Renton, so I'm finally home 6 hours later. The drive alone was welcome. We gathered as a fractured family for Thanksgiving for the first time and all the divisions of the past year were a distant memory. This particular get-together is known for its individual speeches, and I felt too overwhelmed to share, though I had printed out a poem by Mary Oliver and made a few tweaks. The final product was too personal, too raw. Maybe next year.

In the meantime, I had to get a PROFESSIONAL photo for my new gig, and now that I'm officially a professional, it's time for some professional changes, so no more freebies, and all my time is tax deductible. See a quarter on the street? DON'T PICK IT UP. The time it would take to stop and pick up that quarter is less than my PROFESSIONAL TIME IS WORTH. Do you know how hard it is for me to not stop and pick up a f@#&!%* quarter? I must have stood there for 10 minutes doing the math in my head.

I worry that my pivot to responsible adult has left me wholly incapable of living in the moment. At this very moment, a background TV is playing a commercial for a full body groomer and instead of making jokes about full body grooming I am wondering how to calculate the value of the time it would take to groom my body and do you wash the clippers before you move to your eyebrows, or do you just start at your face parts to save time(money) and is it only the face that's tax deductible? 

MY meltdown last week over the failed murphy bed/bookshelf combo from (unnamed vendor) still weighs heavy as a personal failure. It should be funny, lifting the goddmn bookshelf by myself led to the cheap screws failing, and then falling into the wall/closet door, and I wound up breaking most of the bedroom and bloodletting my knuckles, getting so frustrated I jumped off my teetotal wagon. At one point in the middle of the night I noticed one of my dogs liking my hand, covered in blood as it had been. It seemed to have gotten infected, but couldn't finish the job HAHAHA.

The vendor sent replacement parts and I'll try again tonight. This time should go better. After all, I am a professional.


Although it pains me to admit, there is clearly a curse from enjoying the presence of other bloggers, and the penance pays a retribution like no one has seen since was considered a viable investment. The Muldoon’s Curse struck hard, struck fast, struck mercilessly. My car died today. On the way to the most important meeting of the year. I do not like being the center of attention. My car died in the middle of the main intersection. At noon. (I WAS THAT PERSON WHOSE CAR IS KEEPING YOU FROM GETTING TO YOUR JUMBO JACK ON TIME) ACROSS FROM THE LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL. (ohno) It had started kind of funny in the morning, and having driven a fire truck for years, I should have just said, ‘CALL IN SICK. WORK FROM HOME. DRINK.’ But I had to push it. I mean, 2009 is the year where I am supposed to run everyday, keep to a one drink minimum, DO NOT SMOKE. And, um, with 400 cars lined up behind me (HONKING WON’T FIX THIS, ASSHOLE), I had to wave to the guy behind me and mouth ‘…will you help me push my car to the mcdonald’s where all the seniors are planning their prom pranks…’ UGH Ugh. For awhile, I kept telling myself, ‘WELL AT LEAST YOU ENJOYED YOURSELF LAST WEEK. GO BACK TO YOUR HAPPY PLACE. LOOK AT THE PICTURES.’ But then the battery on my phone dropped two battery bars and right next to the McDonald’s was one of those tobacco shops that sells single cigarettes. Damn. * * * I was a bit late to the meeting. HI MY NAME IS BRANDON. PLEASE DO NOT MIND THE BLACK PATCHES ON MY FACE THAT IS JUST BATTERY ACID. ALSO, EVERYBODY CRIES. EVERYBODY HURTS. f-uck. The tow truck driver kept wasting mah battery charge, but still, god bless him, when I said, ‘I WILL PAY YOU ALL THE MONEY IN MAH WALLET FOR ONE OF YOUR CIGARETTES,’ he was all, ‘Just take it. I mean, Jesus. Right in front of the high school? MY LIFE’S LONG DREAM WAS TO DRIVE TOW TRUCKS, TAKE THE WHOLE PACK, BROTHER.’ He was seriously awesome. * * * Alex was there waiting for me 45 miles away. I got to the important question off the bat: “How does my hair look?” “It’s fine. I mean, it’s flat on top, though, like you were wearing a yarmulke.” “What? Hey, do you think I’m Jewish? Because one of the guys I met in California said I have Jew hair.” “You’re totally Jewish.” “But look at all the shit that happened to me today? How can I be Jewish? Nothing bad ever happens to Jews!” - stunned silence - * * * For anyone whose car has ever died at the front of the line with 2 bazillion cars behind you, their horns all freshly tuned, you understand the eerie silence of the dead engine. It is like you can hear your soul separating from your body and pinning a friendship pin to the dual-lace Kaepas of your worst enemy. She actually bought me dinner. Chinese. And as I was telling her the story of the day, she cracked open the fortune cookie (SO I WOULDN’T MESS UP HER CAR, TOO), and the fortune said, ‘YOU ARE THE CENTER OF EVERY GROUP’S ATTENTION,’ I confessed, “I totally smoked today.” “I know.” “Also, I didn’t run.” “I know.” “I’m probably going to drink everything in the house. Probably even the cookie sherry.” “It’s cooking sherry. And, I know.” * * * luck Your luck has completely changed today. * * * Yeah. I know. “You are the center of everyone’s attention.”


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