used to being

you no longer run with me, not every run, anyway, not now that i run every day. how long has it been, now? 4 years? i would see you and feel that you know every part of my life, but all of our conversations have taken place entirely in my head, and we talk now so little even there.

one day, i hold to that promise. one day. one day. it is more than a hope, somewhere between a wish and a will, we will run in earnest, and all the words will come like a flood, overwhelming and unintelligible. the alarm on my watch will warn me that i am talking too fast and running too slow. and when i finally match my mouth to my cadence, i will find myself crestfallen as the furrows of your brow betray the fact that you have become someone else entirely in the years we have spent apart.

a friend died last week. over a decade ago we had been co-workers, and he had invited me to his house for a poker game. This was around 2009, and I can go back and read past entries from around that time. i had not eaten that much, and drank heavily at the game. i wound up embarrassing myself in one of the more regrettable episodes from those few years. i had yet to bottom out in my downward personal spiral, but save for a few cases, i had largely insulated my professional from my personal life. he reached out to me later, invited me out to lunch, and in a remarkable display of grace, invited me back to the next month's game. over the next dozen years, the two of us never missed a game, 124 months. after last month's game, he sent me a message that i kept meaning to answer, only doing so after the news hit.

yesterday, my daughter and i ran for the first time in ages, now that her winter sports season is in the books. afterwards, all of us, save my son, went out for burgers and general saturday meandering. i was easy in my skin, my head clear of recent stress related to a side-project.

my new year's resolution from 2019 held for 13 months. last friday, i hit 149 pounds, nearly 50 pounds down from when i started. since September, when i started tracking my distance, i have run over 1,000 miles. i signed up to run 2020 miles in 2020. in january, i ran 225 miles (7.262 miles per day) and in february 201 (6.95 miles per day). on february 15th, i ran 26.2 miles in 3 hours 51 minutes and 8 seconds, an 8:47 pace, the first time i have ever attempted that distance. in october, i plan to run a formal marathon, and will target a 3 and half hour time.

i wrote down so much of my life and what was in my head, even if it was exaggerated and droll. i think i'm in a good enough space now to go back and read a little bit about who i once was.


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