I keep trying to convince my kids to go to Hawaii next month but they are all I DON'T WANT EBOLA, and apparently ebola has become the GEICO of diseases. 15 minutes of ebola talk could save you $1500 on plane tickets. Hawaii is the only state I haven't visited. I have 50,000 banked airline miles and a companion ticket and no one wants to join me. All because of a bloody phlox. The whole thing makes me sick.

So apparently I'm kind of a big deal in my professional life, and a few people came up to me at a conference and said, 'We should start a new group for young people in our field,' and my honest response was, 'That's a great idea, if I see any young people, I will be happy to send them your way,' and then I coughed and gasped for effect (and then I sat down for real because my arthritis hurt or maybe because the bran hit my upper colon DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MORE THAN ONE COLONS).

Sometimes I catch myself referring to females my age as 'girls' and think GROW UP. But then I remember growth is a natural component of the aging process and aging leads to cell death, and whenever the economy is bad, stockbrokers are all CELL CELL CELL. I don't want to die, is what I'm saying, not now, anyway, not when things are so bad. Everyone wants to die happy.

Did you hear about the farmer who got a headache because his crop was stolen. His last words were MY GRAIN.

There is no end to the happiness or sadness my job brings me, but the last thing I ever wanted was to be so respectable that a neighbor would knock on my door and say I should run for homeowner association officer. Technically, what he said was, 'So I was taking out my trash and I thought of you,' but same difference. Am I middle age? I don't seem myself as middle age (that's probably the glaucoma HAHAHA).

I'm lost. I feel like there's something big on the horizon, and it's no more reachable than the sun.


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